The one in which guilt swallows me whole06/16/2011 at 1:40 pm | Posted in baby sunshine, Motherhood, Small Fry | 26 Comments
Tags: Motherhood, newborn baby, sisters, toddler
It’s been almost six weeks, and my heart is still heavy. I just can’t let go of the special relationship between Lily and me. I had no idea how much it would change. But it has. Because it has to.
I’ve been breaking my back trying to preserve everything just as it was: if daddy does bath, then mommy does books. Mommy helps with clothes in the morning and brushing teeth before school. When mommy is called, she answers, she helps.
Now, the occasions where I reply “I can’t right now. I’m feeding/rocking/holding/changing Sophie.” far outnumber the occasions where I can actually drop what I’m doing and be with Lily.
It’s heart-breaking for me. And these feelings are growing worse with each day I spend alone with the girls.
Of course I love Sophie with all my heart and experience bliss on a daily basis, but I ache for Lily.
I just can’t be for her what I used to be, and it makes me terribly sad. I feel like I’m grieving a loss. Every time I see her, especially when she comes home from being away from me, I want to scoop her up and apologize. Over and over.
What makes it even more difficult is, true to her nature, Lily handles all this with such grace. I can’t help but think it would be a tiny bit easier if she’d rebel or turn into a brat. But she is patient and loving and adores her little sister. She plays quietly at my feet while I nurse the baby, and every morning she staggers into our room in a sleep haze to kiss the baby.
Lily will do anything to get Sophie’s attention, and she doesn’t understand why the baby won’t hold her hand or look at her. This makes me so sad for her. I keep trying to explain that Sophie is too little, and things will change soon, but I don’t think Lily buys it.
And now that we’re caught up in the brutal world of infant reflux, I have even less time to be with Lily.
I miss her.