Back to work

08/08/2011 at 4:06 pm | Posted in baby sunshine, Motherhood | 6 Comments
Tags: , , , ,

Be glad you don’t live in our house this week.

Because my maternity leave ends, and I have to say goodbye to this:

And I’m a mess. A big ol’ crying, blubbering mess.

I didn’t expect it to be so hard. Last time, I hardly flinched. Not for any lack of love for my daughter of course, but because the fog of postpartum depression just carried me through those days. I floated, numb, right past any real emotion or feelings of attachment to my baby. A twisted blessing, I guess, when it came time to leave her.

But this time, I’m raw. My heart aches and my eyes burn.

Sophie and I have been melded together for the last 13 weeks. I simply cannot imagine not seeing, touching, smelling her for an entire day at a time. I’m even going to miss the poopy diapers and drool spots on my shirts.

Tomorrow she goes with her sister to my parents’ house for the day. Then, Wednesday and Thursday, she’ll be in day care. It’s a reputable center with five stars. But all that stuff begins to lose it’s importance the closer I get to handing my baby over to someone else.

I’m blessed to have a job I love, with people I care for. I can’t wait to start writing again and using my brain in new (old) ways, and conversing with grown-ups. And, oh, a whole lunch hour by myself! Bliss.

But getting to a place where I truly enjoy those things will be difficult. For three straight months I have lived and breathed my children.

I know we’ll all be okay.

It’s just going to take some time.

And a lot of kleenex.

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6 Comments »

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  1. The attachment and openly lovingly way you feel for Sophie gives me so much hope for having another child. I had a lot of trouble bonding with my first, and have been so nervous about not bonding again with another child. I’m sure going back to work is going to absolutely suck – but… I dunno, it just seems like such a positive way to feel after PPD! Hugs and kisses to you and yours.

    • This is such a positive way to look at it. Thank you for helping me find some perspective.

  2. My heart aches for you! I can’t imagine leaving my baby after only 3 months. In Canada, we are very very lucky to have a whole year of maternity leave. And you’d better believe I didn’t take it for granted!
    Best of luck. I’m sure it will get easier.

    • I want to move to Canada. Right now. 🙂

      I guess I’m one of the lucky ones in the U.S. … many of my friends have had to return to work at only 6 weeks, which is considered the “period of disability.” Crazy.

  3. Best of luck this week. I know it will be tough, but I’m sure you’ll find a good balance in it all.

  4. aw. thinking of you!!!! hope the transition has been okay.


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