Secret mommy behavior

12/14/2011 at 9:38 am | Posted in baby sunshine | 7 Comments
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The side of her face is pressed to the mattress, her butt in the air.

Breathing deeply, in and out. In and out.

The blue glow from my phone casts just enough light for me to see little cheeks, eyes, lips. I kiss her head. Stroke her back. Hoping (but not really) to wake her. So I can scoop her out of the crib and relax under the weight of her little body on my chest.

Holding her is one of the very few remedies to the anxiety growing inside me. It has fangs and claws now. Full-on monster anxiety. Back for a Christmas visit, I guess.

She stirs as I stare. My psycho mommy laser beams have succeeded.

I slide my hands under her little back, lift her to me and bury my nose in that heavenly place where her neck meets her shoulders. She is warmth, sweetness, milk breath.

We sit and rock.

She snores.

I heal.


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  1. I’m so happy to see I’m not the only one who does this….crazy hoping (but not really…or am I?) to wake them. I do this to my now 18 month old, my 3 1/2 year old, and sometimes I even do it to my 7 year old. He sometimes stirs and talks to me in his sleep. I love it. So much.

    Blog hopping and found your comment somewhere along the way. Followed you here. Happy Wednesday.

    • I’m so glad you stopped by! Thanks! I always love meeting new people.

  2. This just brings tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry that anxiety is rearing its ugly head. But what touched me if that I know. I know this feeling. I am so, so stressed and anxious right now (totally work related…but work is 60-70 hours per week right now). R was sick the other night and woke up crying. He’s almost two, so not a snuggly baby anymore, but still my baby. And I held him and rocked him while he snoozed for nearly two hours. I was so tired, and needed to go back to bed to face another long day, but even more than that, I needed him. He brings me peace. And as I sit at work again tonight, I miss him.

    • Thank you for writing. I’m sorry your work is so stressful and time-consuming. It’s so difficult balancing both worlds, huh? Thank goodness for our kids and those moments of calm. Hang in there, mama.

  3. haha psycho mommy laser beams! i miss being able to actually be in the same room as my son when he sleeps. we used to take naps together on my bed when he was little but now he is the world’s least sound sleeper. he wakes at the sound of the heater turning on and off.

  4. your writing is beautiful.

    • Aw, thanks. This brain-dump exercise is such great therapy for me. Hope you’re well. Think of you often! xo!

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