The light

01/24/2012 at 11:00 am | Posted in Everything else | 8 Comments
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The sound of my bedroom door creaking slowly open yanks me out of the most delicious dream I’ve ever had. I’m living in Paris with my family and we’re eating crepes and having the best time ever.

Lily tiptoes over to my side of the bed, touches her nose to mine for her morning kiss and tells me that daddy has made pancakes. “With M&M’s in them, Mommy!” She scurries away. I try to focus my eyes on the clock. 9 a.m. Marc let me sleep in. Bless him.

Downstairs, the baby is squawking and belly-crawling all over the kitchen floor. Lily is slurping up her pancakes. Marc mans the stove. The dog licks my knees.

Happy chaos. I smile.

But slowly (ever so freaking slowly), the darkness drifts in. I feel it settling over me as I rock Sophie later that morning. My insides twist up. And, as if the previous couple of hours had never happened, every single little thing starts to bother me.

The baby won’t settle down for her nap. My belly is pooching out over my pants. The house is dirty. Lily is playing too loudly. Doesn’t she know her sister is trying to fall asleep? And Marc. Poor Marc. He bugs me, but I don’t know why. Because I don’t have a reason.

I just feel bad.

I try not to snap at the people I love, but I do. I try not to bang things around as I go about my chores, but I do.

I don’t want to feel this way.

“Let’s go to the store,” I say to Lily, in the most cheery voice I can muster. She agrees, and we set off. I kiss Marc good-bye, promising to be in a better mood when we return. He looks skeptical.

And then it happens.

Lily dances to Adele in the back seat. She makes herself laugh. It’s contagious. We troll Target for all that we need (and some things we definitely don’t need). She hugs me and tells me she loves me, out of the blue.

I smile, and it feels real.

The light beats the dark.

And my heart sings.


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  1. Ahhhh I have moments like this too. I love how you wrote this. Beautiful!

  2. I hate those moments & I definitely experience them. I hate most of all that I end up taking them out on my sweet little family that I love the most. Sometimes Maddie & I just go for a drive because she’s so much fun singing and dancing in the car that it lights me up. Little angels we have!

  3. You put me right in a moment I know all too well. For all those times I’ve rescued my family from their worrisome thoughts, they have always, unknowingly, returned the favor. Well written 🙂

  4. I am so happy the light beat the dark. This is absolutely beautiful.

  5. i resonate with your words. so gracefully written. thank you for sharing.
    i also love the look of your place here. nice work.

  6. Well said!

  7. Love this. Not that you experience it, but the way that you wrote it, shared it. It is so perfectly worded and truly does share and express so much. I am glad the mood was lifted. Adele and our kids can do that for us! Huge hugs.

  8. love this to bits.

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