On patience and forgiveness07/05/2012 at 3:36 pm | Posted in Motherhood | 12 Comments
I can’t stop thinking about these words from one of Laura’s latest blog posts:
“… most days i wake up hoping for patience and most nights i go to bed asking for forgiveness.”
So very true.
I never thought it would be so difficult — such a huge, daily emotional test — to raise two little girls.
The three of us can’t escape a day together without this scenario playing out at least once: Sophie starts crying. I pick her up to comfort her. She keeps fussing and squirming. Lily starts whining, usually about something she wants RIGHT THIS SECOND. For me to reach a toy, turn on the T.V., fetch her a snack. Sophie screams louder. I can’t hear Lily. So she whines louder. Bouncing Sophie on my hip, prying Lily from her vice-grip on my leg, I snap.
And I hate myself in those moments.
Guilt washes over me, and I long to erase the memory from my girls’ minds of Mommy losing her shit. It doesn’t last long, and I’m usually able to calm everyone down pretty quickly. But I wish I could figure out how to keep it together. Or, at the very least, lose my shit in private.
I work hard on this every day, coaching myself to stay calm. To ride out the trigger and hope it eventually becomes numb.
I want to be a haven for my children. Every single day — as often as possible — I shower them with love and affection and happiness and laughter. We are silly together, snuggly, and I can’t stop kissing and squeezing both of them. I’ll do anything for a belly laugh.
But those tiny moments of turmoil fracture our bliss.
I know they’ll never really go away (especially as Lily and Sophie become teenagers — oy), but I’m working my hardest to make them as small and infrequent as possible.
Pray for patience. Beg for forgiveness.
My daily ritual.